MyLife His

The world had a sliver of darkness in the air – like the weight of humidity at noon bearing down on mankind. Pain weighed, yet the men were heavily drunk and the women singing frivilous and loud – no one noticed.

            Noah gathered his sons and his wife together. The thundering footsteps of animals had become quiet. They were in fact silent, only the rumbling sighs of the hundreds of hooves and clawed feet in the creaking wood of the ark.

            The men found the women they had chosen and who had abandoned everything in their culture to join God and the family who served him.

            The silence would soon be over, this much Noah knew as clear as he knew his name and age. God called them. He heard the soft voice early in the morning as he prayed – now was the time.

            Noah gathered the women and his three adult sons, ready to join the patient animals on the ark.

            An hour passed. Another two hours went by and they still stood waiting at the deck of the ark, like anxious ones on the roof of a long house, waiting for their father to return home. There was never a time in history until that day that men audibly heard earth take a deep breath. It was like the dry dirt moaning in the earth as it rubbed together and the trees lifted their wide crowns in a mourning, worshipful song. Noah closed his eyes as tears gathered. Earth was preparing for the terrible thing that a million people could not see, though they had been warned. The groans of deep, moving rocks cried above the noise and for a moment, the towns close to the ark were quiet.

            The shouts of drunkards stopped.

            The cries of children quieted.

            The shake of women’s bells were cut off, and then their terrified screams became a single buzz rising from the towns.

            The flood was splitting the ground as water poured out. Noah took his wife in his arms and covered her face, while tears filled his own eyes.

            The ark was lifted in a few moments on water and the flood took place.

The Acts of the Apostles, Two verse Twenty; ‘ The sun shall be turned to darkness and the moon to blood, before the coming of the Lord’s great and glorious day , [21] Then everyone who calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved.’

Quickly, the burdens of the past were swept away and I was carried in the promises of what would come at any moment. My heart was still thudding heavily from my talk with Jesus. In a moment, I was lead by angels standing on either side who carried me out of sight – like the other girl I had seen. My heart thudded with intense anticipation. Moments passed, and I stood on streets that shone brilliantly golden white. I felt really different; my skin was soft against my clothes, my steps were lighter, and the world around me seemed to be from a different view point.

I lifted my hands and looked – they were soft and held a lighter color. I was wearing a beautiful white dress that fluttered lightly whenever I moved. The sleeves were loose and eneded at my elbows … soft, childlike elbows. I fingered my hair – it was straight as my normal hair, no curly perm or hairspray, but beautifully soft like feathers. Kailey.  I heard my name and turned around.

Gaping, I saw a familiar face … brown eyes, dark hair, white skin, a wide smile … I ran and hugged her. For a moment, we shared the total joy of being together in paradise. I let go, stepped back, and leaped up and down with excitement. My friend laughed and started jumping. Her face was young and beautiful, her limbs filled with new energy. I felt the same, like a child with no fear. We jumped and spun when suddenly another friend ran to us. She seemed about the same age with the same joy that filled us. Her dark hair which was once braided was undone and rested in thick, shiny locks down her back. I hugged her and fingered her hair. She laughed in a way that was pretty and unabashed … we laughed too, and laughed in uncontrolable fits. It was simple fearless childhood.

The girl who had crossed before me came and joined our circle. It was as if she was my friend already … her grown up body had become a small, thin frame and her black hair surrounded her head in a thick, frizzy halo. Her jeans and coat were gone and a gown dangled down past her shins; the dress seemed to be costum made just to fit her beauty.

We were laughing again and talking when the angels brought a little boy to us  … a toddling baby with a massive bunch of curly red hair – he walked around carefully and looked up with a slight grin. In a moment he had melted my heart and I swept him up. He giggled and I spun him around at arm’s length. He laughed harder and none of us could help but laugh with him. I smiled, telling him how cute he was and lightly kissed his forehead. I turned towards the girls.

I set him on my hip. “Who wants to carry him?”I asked.

I could see immediately the shine in the first girl’s eyes. She skipped and raised her hand up high, waving her arm back and forth. I let her take the baby boy and she smiled at him while she swung him around to her back and placed his hands around her neck.

We began to walk up the road in front of us with increasing anticipation … the first girl skipping with a baby on her back.

I saw and ran to many people along the way. Many of them were familiar; friends and family, boys and girls, every race and dialect was like a rainbow of children laughing and ascending up the hill. I greeted whoever my friends greeted, even if I did not know them before. I felt as if I had known them my entire life.

The hill gradually became steeper and the road grew wider while people poured little by little into the streets like a parade ready to sing with the joy that they felt. Each person shared in our joy, and it seemed to multiply each time we shared it with anyone else; skipping, laughing, yelling and singing we spread … increased our laughter inside.

Quietly,I began a song in my heart. It was words that spilled from deepest parts of my heart and flooded out of my mouth. Skipping up the hill, I realized that many songs filled the air – many beautiful songs that seemed to all blend together in one melody, different keys harmonizing. I wanted to cry with the beauty of the joy that came from the many voices in heaven. A voice sang, “… God declares, that I will pour out my Spirit upon all flesh, and your sons and your daughters shall prophecy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams … for nothing will be impossible with God.”

“My soul magnifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God … for God has looked in favor on the lowliness of His servant.” Not until after I said it did I notice that the strong voice I heard was my own. I skipped and did a spin, my head thrown back in joyous laughter. Nothing had ever made me so happy as my new body with its abilities!

Freedom was with God’s people.

Next thing I knew, I passed a girl I recognized. She was on the side of the street standing with a few angels. I stopped running up the path and turned towards her. I now knew for sure who it was and my heart raced with surprise and bliss. I weaved through the grown crowd, skirted the edge of the people and ran to her with my arms out in embrace.

She saw me and smiled. She hugged me as an old friend, then held me back at arm’s length to look at me with her brillaint, sparkling eyes.

“I’m so happy to see you here!”, I said, almost crying. Her thin arms had become strong and healthy, her face showed her comfort, her eyes were a deeper brown that I had ever seen them … like happiness had overcome the pain that had once made them shallow. She smiled widely and we danced with jumps up and down and chattered happily about the place around us. We were surrounded by glory.

In a moment, we were drawn into the middle of the crowd, running softly to keep up with all the laughing children. We sang, we skipped,and around the bend a city came into view. It was beautiful beyond any of life’s riches. The people ran onward in anticipation.

I came forward to the gates with friends surrounding me, each with a smile on their face. Two brilliant, tall angels stood with their smooth hair, gigantic wings, and shining clothes. Gold banners waved around the gates to the inner city.

As we approached, I noticed the angels each held a tiny jar, the color of firy clay. As we all came closer to the entrance, the sound of music, voices, and laughter faded away. Something strange happened … the sight became less brillaint and was replaced by a sort of darkness – something of the silvery shadow of night. The feeling of joy grew slightly fainted and I heard no more voices.

I sighed softly and tried to take in all that I had just experienced. While those in my house had fallen asleep, I had seen this … without dreaming. I was still awake. I smiled at the thought of how I had become so wrapped up I had forgotten all that was around me – I had been swept away. Surely it was God.

Then I remembered something … what had the angels said? They had called the city … ‘Zion’. Zion – I would remember that. For whatever reason they had called it that, I would remember it to show people how real it was. The city of God is Zion. Zion … is Jerusalem. Jerusalem becomes new in the Book of Revelation. Ahh, now it made sense.

I listened and felt, as the song billowed from my heart – some how louder than any noise that went on outside. I heard ‘Kadosh… ‘ Holy. God is Holy. I know that Holy is what we all desire.

Light came from every side in a beautiful array of shining colors. I  blinked; there were people around me on everyside and clearing away in front of me.  The crowds were hushed, excluding the occasional whispers. Something was going on and tension filled the air particularly in the people behind who could not see, but only wait on what was to come. Not one person was precisely sure about what coming.  Many of them were still shaken up.

All of them had died.

Each person standing near me had been through the pain of letting go and the shock of death finally happening. Now we stood where we feared … possibly, in line for judgement. Even though some questioned the things about to happen, all knew that on the other side of the decisions to come, we would each experience eternity in one place. To say the least, the whole crowd … including me … was nervous.

The people began to clear away in front of me, and I stepped to the edge of the crowd and looked on in awe.

A man stood far away facing the crowd – with hair as smooth as silk and with fine, white light glinting off of it. His eyes were dark and incredibly deep and his muscly form showed through his tan skin. He wore an outfit of white that was so brilliant … it was hard to tell where the trim of his shirt ended and the pants showed beneath it. His form was a pinnacle of glory.

He stood far from the crowd … more than twenty paces away. There was a stand next to him with a huge book on it.

He called out a name and gazed on the crowd. His  eyes were somehow sad and loving at once. I saw a girl step out … her skin was dark brown and her hair was in a black, shiny ponytail to one side. Her jeans were dark gray … she wore a coat too, probably the last things she had worn.

The whole crowd watched in absolute wonder and the people buzzed with one hundred whispers. She took the first step in the spacious gap between the man and the crowd and at the same moment her foot touched the ground, her shoulders jerked in a cringe. I winced at her movement, wondering what happened. She seemed to hesitate, then slowly took another step forward. I watched and waited in wonder to see if this is the same path I would take – one of pain. With every step she seemed to hesitate again. Once she cried out and brought her hands up to her head, fingers sheilding her face to protect herself from an unseen glare. I looked to the man with the book, wondering if he was really letting this happen. I was surprised to find that his brow was low and wrinkled and his eyes showed a yearning for her – to rescue the woman. Even so, he did not close the gap between them, but waited on her.

She took another step and then another. A small noise came from the young woman … was she crying? It was hard to tell. She walked further and at last, she was only three steps from the man. She seemed to be loosing hope. She took another step and cried out. The hurt was staggering. Suddenly, with her next step, her legs grew weak and she fell … and the man was there with her. In a heartbeat, his arms were out and he caught her. She was weeping gently when he lifted her chin and spoke softly to her. Though we strained to hear while we held our breaths, no one heard what was said, but her eyes lit up. He did not stop talking, but continued with a gentle smile. In a heart beat he looked into her eyes and she smiled. She began to laugh and he lifted her to her feet. He turned around and put one hand on her back, turning her to the angelic forms behind him … they took her arms and led her out of sight, excited looks on their faces.

In a surprising moment, my name was called. My heart almost stopped when I looked up at the man and noticed his gaze directed towards me. I felt blood rush to my face and my eyes grow wide. Had he just called me? My breath came fast and I slowly stepped forward. I nearly hesitated – did I want to feel such pain? I looked at the man across the gap, his twinkling eyes grew sad with the pain and fear he understood was happening in my heart. Behind him, two angelic creatures watched solemnly to see what my choice would be. ‘They’re there’, I thought ‘because they know I will make it’. I looked at the few paces between the man and I … they were not so big. I knew eternity waited on the other side and took a step.

In a heartbeat I knew why the woman had grieved so terribly on that journey across.

The moment my foot hit the ground, a dizzying flash blinded me. A vision came of my sister standing, a smile on her face. She stood near … me! It was from the past. The child I once was lifted her arm and hit my sister with such a force that she fell over. I cringed knowing that the man across from me saw it too.

There was something terribly disturbing about the perfect man seeing  my past … my corrupt heart hurting an innocent person. In a way, it was a blow against the man.

I moved to take the next step, but even before that one, I saw another vision of talking with my mother … and telling her a lie. To my fear and pain, I saw another child punished in my place. My foot touched the ground and I saw a building full of people … many had their eyes closed and hands lifted up. Some were on their knees. To my surprise, in the vision angels stood around us. One stood behind each person , their arms raised as well, lips open in a song.  A teenger sat slumped in the back, one angel standing behind her seat. The angel stood in worship, but the girl slumped even further into her seat, looking around. Her uncaring face destroyed the look of absolute worship in the room. I cried in pain when I realized the girl was me.

 Like this, one picture after another came, destroying me and I staggered under the weight, nearly falling over. To my terror, one vision rose up – I saw a demon stand near me, speaking to me and I made a move to hurt some one near me with his voice chanting, pushing me on. The girl in the vision began to yell.

I looked up at the man and let deep sobbs escape my lips. His eyes showed a fierce hurt. I couldn’t bear the pain, like fire in me that consumed and saught to burn me.

One more step … the pain was huge. Another step … it grew. I couldn’t stop it. One image after another rose up. When the last, most excruciating step was over, I collapsed. In a moment I was on my knees.

His arms were around me. I did not pull away, I did not try to hold back the tears. They came in a hot flood over me as I realized how perfect the hands were that held me and how imperfect I was. It stung like nothing I could describe.

The moments passed and tears ceased … he touched my face and lifted my chin.

‘Jesus …’, I thought. This was Jesus. My heart skipped within me. His eyes were so incredible … they held a depth I did not know was possible. He smiled at me and my heart melted.

“You’re forgiven, my Daughter.”, Jesus said. The simple words turned everything in me – from the pain I had just experienced to the feeling of guilt that had crowned my every step up until now. Even the joys of life itself seemed dark compared to what filled me now – peace. I saw the love in His eyes very clearly.

“Your faith has made you well,” he whispered ,” Go in peace.”

Verse 1

When life’s tough – when they hate on me     When the road is rough – when they beat on me

When sin is death – and death is hard      When broken hearts – and brokenness is hard

Chorus 1

I hope in you! Lord – I hope in you     I hope in you! Lord – I know you’ll come through

When the road is broken – and the fire is smoking     I hope in you! Lord – I hope in you!

Verse 2

When life throws back – what we laid down     When death reveals – what we laid in ground

When faithless hearts – come our way     When the blind leaders – lead us away

Chorus 2

I hope in you! Lord – I hope in you     I hope in you! Lord – I know you’ll come through

When darkened hearts – pull out our pain     I hope you! Lord – I hope in you!

Verse 3

When I’ve moved on – when the road clears     When summerland – has gone with the tears

When simple life – is all I see ahead       When I have little reason – to get out of bed

Chorus 3

I hope in you! Lord – I hope in you     I hope in you! Lord – I know you’ll come through

When suffering’s near – and days are tears     I hope in you! Lord – I hope in you

I look at everything today like it might be the last time seeing it. I sigh as I look on things like the kitchen table or the view through the windows. I know it’s sort of silly that I miss a bunch of things like that, but these are where my memories will take me when I’m gone. It is almost sad when I think that I will, by God’s Grace, come back to this place in the United States as an older person – sixteen sounds almost grown-up to me. It is the age, though, that I will be when I see things here again. A lot could happen. A lot could change.

On saying good bye to my ballet teacher, she told me not to say good bye. Afraid that she might begin to cry, she said ‘see you later’. And honestly, it made parting a lot easier to have that mind set. I may be gone for a while, but I am coming back. Not to mention this blog I can use to talk to all of you! Good bye, dear place. I go away to Africa, riding on the wings of tomorrow’s dusk. I can write to you from there.

From,

Kailey

(PS) love and miss you. Will see you all soon.

5/19/10

I made a conscious decision to not pass judgment today. I felt bruised as never before, but I let it go. I let it heal, Jesus’ blessing taking over the things which were so open and flowing with blood. The Lord – Adonai – made it right. Made me right. Broken feelings are gone and I feel, since praying over it with people, the change. It’s absolutely the prettiest – ah, most passionate thing I have ever felt. Hope. Hope. Ah, I heard the word on the radio as I stared at the computer screen, taking a deep sigh and reading that last word. Now I hear it again. Perhaps God is comforting me. Alas, I get caught up. I should back up. I need to explain why the hope is what fills, how it is the reason that I can and I will. Something broke in me today as I saw some friends for the last time. God was with me, I know. He reminded me that He is faithful and that I could make it through the pain of moving, I could do it again. The sneaky voice of the devil suggested judgment. I heard for a moment. Then I turned it down right away. There are reasons that souls do what they do and we do not understand. I do not want to explain what judgment came, but it is for the sake of those who it was toward that I withhold. I think I have heard the word judgment more times this week than any other. A friend of mine and I were mad at each other for one reason – we have different opinions and we both spat this judgment right away. I was devastated – and in some ways, I still am – at what I lost simply because of the quick thoughts that put anger in my mind. I regret it. I want to say that I have found out now that what I got very upset over at first could have easily been accepted. It breaks my heart even though our relationship continues on. We may never be the same. What have I done to have the right to judge? Who am I, even, to consider the wrong done by other people? Life would be a lot better if we were all careful about what we did and not so careful about what other people do. Take time to consider it. – Kailey =)

This phrase lingered in my mind for a long time; read carefully – “To the Humble, I am proud – yet to the Proud, I am humble.”

The quote seems to apply to life – particularly the one I live in. My family knows people who are doing well, but at our home in Arandis we receive guests every once and again to see our furniture and nice living. How often are we considered fortunate in America to have a television, microwave and a computer? Not often; in fact, they might wonder why we do not own an X-Box 360 with all of those or why we could not afford nicer computers.  But in Africa, how often do people see that we hang out our laundry and wonder why we are so poor? From what I see, it wouldn’t ever cross their minds. In fact, they might wonder how I have so many clothes hanging out.

But Paul stated right out that he would be able to live in poor conditions and in rich homes. I believe it an important thing – though not many people consider it – to know how to live in all places. Try exploring new settings – I bet it is healthy for a person’s mind to explore new settings and to see how you would react and adjust. Try it.

(That was all to say, come and see Arandis! Jk)

- Kay      (P.S.) I know this is only a short note, but I plan on typing up a much longer one. This is a snack, my readers. Dinner is coming soon.

I look around and think about all that we’ve been through. Here we are. It has been nearly three weeks in the United States. My Grandma’s home is cozy and waves it’s age in my face. Somehow that age looks like old, graying chandeliers, books on the Marine Corps, magazines from the nineteen-eighties and best of all how the toilet water soaks right on through the wall cracks to dampen the basement all the way from the third floor!

                But what I meant by ‘what we have been through’ is Africa. We have spent two years there. Between us family members (and some help from American visitors) we have directed 1 dance concert, lead about 100 Youth Group meetings in worship, funded about 15 movie nights, lead 4 or 5 ‘Holiday’ camps and written 2,000 letters to those at home.

Wow.

I think it was time to take a break.

                The girls at home seem to be hurting. I think that at times I can feel their heartache, while I remember that there are more than three months until we return to our home there. They want us to return as quickly as we can. I cannot help but think that despite their pain, this is a good thing; we have done our job in becoming family and something which they may constantly count on to love them. I hope they can have greater faith in God so that they might know and understand that He is even more trustworthy than we are. They wait for us, may they wait on the Lord even more so.

                So much has happened. I excited declare that I have been through a “McD” drive-thru, Burger King, and Taco Bell since being here. We have also watched the white patches of snow melt into brown and soggy earth while we pray that no more will come for a while – for the first time in a very long while – and witnessed cars on the side of the road due to the slippery conditions. I have prayed for almost every ambulance that passes by and asked God to bring them great speed and protect the ones hurting. I have been to one sleepover and two dance classes, and today I am going to a combined birthday party – partly for me!

                My feelings are too hard to express. I am happy to be here, happy to remember all the things I once was and the future promised unto me! I remember that college awaits soon as well as my own life and ministry apart from living with my parents. I am blessed to hear that so many people care about what I’ve written. Not to mention those who care what we have been doing in Africa.  Namibia waits for me for whenever I return to it. All that is happy.

But there is the difficult side of things. Old dreams that I have forgotten about have come back to me when I saw the old sites where I had them first. Old friends see me in a different way which I do not know how to respond to. School keeps me on my toes because I have fallen so far behind.

                Don’t make me go into detail about how much I miss my girls who once called me ‘mama’ and live in Namibia waiting on us. I want to come back someday soon. I miss you guys!

With Love,

Kay G.

Time is running out and my family leaves Arandis soon. This little town has served us well and I find that I am actually sad to leave it. I did not think it would be very hard! But really, I find that I am as sad about leaving it and everyone here as I am happy to go home!

I plan to see all my family when we go back. We will visit our Grandparents in Kentucky, my Great Grandmother and my Grandpa in Ohio and an Aunt of ours in Tenessee (whom I must confess is my very favorite Aunt in the world.) We will see lots of others when we live with my Grandmother (on Daddy’s side). But there are two family members who will not be in the United States. Our little sisters keep asking us to ‘please stay home’ this month and forget we ever had to leave. Poor girls =( They will be happy with their ‘temporary’ family while we are gone. The lady has already taken them out for ice cream and bought them barbies to warm up to them! =) I hope they send us letters.

Last night, Daddy was in Windhoek with our two youngest sisters… the rest of our family sat around the livingroom watching a television show. I was so engrossed in what I saw, that for a moment when one of my sisters suddenly stiffened up, I thought absolutely nothing about it and kept watching. Then she grabbed one of our dogs and jumped up onto the couch crying out ‘Oh My Gosh, get the dogs! Get on the couch!’ We finally turned and saw a small, gray snake inch by in a curvy line across the floor. With cries and squeels, we stood on the sofa and chairs and watched it slither past. Slowly, it lifted its head once more … little flaps moved behind its ears … and then he lay down again and very slowly moved its way under our door and outside towards the night. We stayed on top of our perches, still whimpering and shaking. Then after one lengthy moment, we began to laugh at our mortified reaction.

For the past few hours, we have kept towels in the door cracks to block out such visitors … and our dogs still have no clue why we got so scared. (funny things.)